The moment I saw her

Recently, I was out having lunch.  While nonchalantly eating my spinach salad and eavesdropping, I saw a familiar face.

At first glance, I couldn’t recognize where I knew her from. I felt like a creeper, but I couldn’t look away.

“Did we go to school together? Did we meet at a college frat party!?! Were we in girl scouts together? OMG!  It was driving me nuts!”

And then, all of the sudden, from the crevices of my mind… EUREKA! I had spotted Lindsey Lohan! Here are my immediate observations:

This is not the same girl.

Well, it used to be her, now it’s what’s left of her.  The celeb looked like she had been experimenting with the Kylie Jenner lip challenge.


Yes, the same challenge that divided us between #teambotox and #teamleaveKyliealone!?  However, I am positive that instead of following the challenge properly, using the little instrument that looks like a mid-evil torture device…she used a toilet plunger and sucked the #@%* out of her ENTIRE face!

Redbull, Vodka, and a Side of Cigarette

Lindsey Lohan’s new face was SOOOOO puffy!

Not the,

“had a good cry because my ex left me for the neighborhood whore Kind of puffy.”

Oh no, this was more of a mind blowing, attention attracting kind of puff.  I can say firsthand, a puffer fish, straight from Santa Monica Pier, sat down right across from me, lit up a smoke, and demanded a Redbull and Vodka. And it looked like it ate Lindsey Lohan for lunch.

Lindsey Lohan’s Botched Plastic Surgery

Upon further inspection of her face, I made the executive conclusion that it was, for sure, a botched Botox job.  Not only did I recognize the ill fated signs of Botox gone bad, but this special little gem of a plastic surgery botch job had the combined beauty of lead handed, black market, Juvederm as well.

“Lindsey, Is that really where your cheeks go?”

Professional Lindsey Lohan Plastic Surgery Recommendation

Sue Dr. Frankenstein.  Then she can buy all of the drugs, I mean cover-up.

Make an appearance on  E! Network’s Botched.  She will need extra love and light sent in hopes that they would, **fingers crossed**, drain some of that extra filler out her face!

Find out that it’s just a reallyyyyy bad bee sting.  In which case she should take a Benadryl.

In the meantime, just say no to needles kids.