People are selfish. They don't give a fuck about you. Am I right? George Carlin was incendiary, he was hilarious, he was often the smartest dude (and biggest smartass) on the block, and he was a national treasure. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians; all taking turns killing each other because God told 'em it was a good idea. The government doesnt care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare, or your safety. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: The public sucks. I know that. Am I missing something? Manage Settings George Carlin Quotes - BrainyQuote As we saw from my piece on Louis C.K. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. BREAKING: 100 days . Two reasons: first of all, voting is meaningless; this country was bought and paid for a long time ago. Broadly speaking. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something. Pretty neat deal, huh? 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If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, youre going to have selfish, ignorant leaders. George Carlin, 73. On Health Care: George Carlin Called It | by Sean Murphy - Medium If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I wish to be BLOWN UP. In one semester, in shop class, all the guys went from making zip guns to hash pipes. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. And nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care. The poor are there just to scare the shit out of the middle class. They own everything. Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. Never argue with an idiot. ", In 2001, the official George Carlin website explicitly stated that the list including all of these lines was not the work of Carlin. Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. It's nothing. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Don't you love that phrase? And then we want a toy and a gizmo and gold and we want shiny things, and we want something to plug in that will make big big big things for us And all that shit is nothing! "Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. No kidding. "Yes." George Carlin I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. That is a true oxymoron if Ive ever heard one: Civil War. Do you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life. George Carlin, 5. When a business man sits down to negotiate a deal, the first thing he does is to automatically assume that the other guy is a complete lying prick who's trying to fuck him outta his money. That's the whole purpose of recording; to do it beforehand! Now, man"You up for the game?" Irony is "a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result." Huh? 60+ Hilarious George Carlin Quotes and Jokes | Thought Catalog You might have noticed that I never complain about politicians. I think people should be allowed to do what they want. Some people are really fucking stupid. Carlin, who was known for spewing critical rhetoric against the government, organized religion and big business, first delivered the quote during his 2005 HBO comedy special, Life Is Worth Losing . Thats the only thing. Sooner or later, the people in this country are . One of them turns the radio OFF, and the other one. I'm the first one to say it's a great country, but it's a. Only once have I lost my cool. It's not an attitude in line with the American Spirit, but there it is: we all screw around first. That's my advice. What are your favorite George Carlin quotes? "Well, it's God's will." Doesn't anyone in this country stop and LOOK AT THINGS anymore? 42. (206), There is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach contracting, I'm sick of hearing about a baby being kept alive on a resuscitator while doctors wait for a kidney to be flown in on a private jet contributed by some corporation seeking good publicity because they just killed six thousand people in Pakistan with a chemical spill. You see all, sooner or later. Whens the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Fucking is legal. I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me. Because Im an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. It's like "pre-recorded" "This program was pre-recorded." The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. If youre preborn, youre fine; if youre preschool, youre fucked. So come on in. Click here, sign up, and get your first ride with Uber for free. You have owners. Dont you just wanna puke in your soup when one of these fat, balding, overweight, overaged, out of shape, middle aged, male movie stars with sunglasses jumps onstage and starts blowing into a harmonica? Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on it? George Carlin "Pre-heated" is a meaningless fucking term! If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. People think it puts them above the fray. The people are [bleeped out]. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin, 20. Were gonna save the fuckin planet? And, by the way, theres nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. So, basically, what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who has had more than one period is a serial killer! While some of his views may not be popular among the masses, he does make an interesting point when it comes to government. If black boxes survive air crashes why dont they make the whole plane out of that stuff? George Carlin, 55. political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners, Vision of Buddhism: The Space Under the Tree, https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=George_Carlin&oldid=3275017, I was on a talk show recently, and the host asked me, "What do you think about the dope problem?" Its important in life if you dont give a shit. What's the alternative to pumping out a unit every nine months? George Carlin was one of the most well-known and beloved comedians of all time. Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. George Carlin, 4. Huh? Change His plan? 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. 1. If they say, Were the So-and-Sos, take a walk. You see all, sooner or later. Men do it, women do it; can't be all bad if everybody's doin' it. There are only two states an oven can possibly exist in: Heated or unheated! Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and dont have time for all that shit. It will be coincidental. It's interested in it's own power. Sooner or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about them! Guys would say, "Come back here and fight like a person," And we'd all sing "For it's a jolly good person." "Just when these American citizens needed their rights the most, their government sucked 'em away. That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. Never join a group that has a name. So let me ask you something: how's everybody doing tonight, huh? Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. George Carlin, 87. Save the planet, we don't even know how to take care of. Its called fucking with people!. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people. The truth is, we don't have people like that. Fuck him and his balls, and his bicycles, and his steroids, and his yellow shirts, and the dumb empty expression on his face. The actual author of this quote is Roger J. Corless, from his book "The Vision of Buddhism: the Space Under the Tree". Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. I dont believe anything the government tells me., Governments dont want well-informed, well-educated people capable of critical thinking. Nobody goes right to work. Let me get a sip of water hereyou figure this stuff is safe to drink? I'm big on that. It's as simple as that. Is this the noblest thing that women can think of? Bomb them! And of course, the bombs and the rockets and the bullets are all shaped like dicks. You know the best thing about necrophilia? I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. His father was from Donegal, Ireland, and his mother was Irish-American. The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. You caused the problem. ""Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle-class and lower-class men off to die. George Carlin, 78. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. This is the best we can do folks. Don't let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a french tickler and a space helmet. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure, American bullshit. Two to a customer, each item sold separately, batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final, allow six weeks for delivery. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. And the supreme arrogance? The planet doesn't need that. Did you ever notice that, how many stupid people you run into during the day? Believe me, my friend. 21 George Carlin Quotes On Government And Politics Germany lost the Second World War. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying thank you. That's generally been true. Thats three million plus acres, four thousand, eight hundred and twenty square miles. A brain surgeon with "Born to Lose" tattooed on his hands. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying thank you. Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have come from me, but not often. It simply does not give a fuck about you! If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're f**ked. - George Carlin. So self-important. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? They don't take into them the idea that we are part of it. Thats the problem., I call him Governor Bush because thats the only political office hes ever held legally in this country., Political correctness is Americas newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance., Forget the politicians. Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. You know why? What do you want Him to do? I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, There is no I in team. What you should tell them is, Maybe not. George Carlin Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. People don't know that, tell them when they're in your car. You dont see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? George Carlin's acerbic wit and profound societal insights were a one time cultural phenomenon. 44. But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. It creates a hostile work environment. George Carlin, 65. They should be more vivid. They're privileges. And the people said "You know something? 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